opening jars

I love how God speaks to me through what people say, whether it's in person, or in a book or magazine I'm reading, or some other type of media. Yesterday was no exception. Except yesterday it was me.

Here's a little background:

It seems whenever I'm struggling to open a jar, which is fairly often, I ask my great and mighty kid to help me open it. Then as soon as the words are out of my mouth, oops! There goes the lid. So I then tell him, "Nevermind. I got it."  It has happened so often that I've told him that whenever I'm struggling to open a jar, I'm just going to ask him if he can open it for me because whenever I do, it opens. There has been very VERY few times that he's actually had to open a jar after I've asked.

So yesterday I was struggling with yet another jar. This time it was paint. I know, I know.....why would I put paint in a jar? My kid asked me the same question, and I'll give you the same answer I gave him: "Because it was the only container with a lid I could find when I was mixing the paint."

Anyway, I was struggling to open my jar of chartreuse paint. I tried twisting the lid with my right hand. I tried with my left hand. I tried tapping the side of the lid on something. All my usual jar-opening rituals--to no avail. So I went into the house (I was painting outside) and yelled to my great and mighty kid, "Can you open this jar for me?"  I gave the lid one more twist. Then oops! There goes the lid!  "Nevermind. I got it."  As he walked away I told him, "See? All I need to do is ask."

YES! That was it. Did you miss it?  "All I need to do is ask."

God spoke loud and clear on that one!  All I need to do is ask. Whatever need I have, all I need to do is ask.

Peace?  All I need to do is ask.
Healing? All I need to do is ask.
Strength?  All I need to do is ask.
Provision? All I need to do is ask.
Grace?  All I need to do is ask.
Boldness?  All I need to do is ask.
Confidence? All I need to do is ask.
Love?  All I need to do is ask.
Hope?  ....you get the picture.

Wow!

Thank You, Lord, for this reminder. I don't have to try to do things on my own. I don't have to worry about the things I need. I don't have to do anything to get these things from You. All I need to do is ask.

Oh my! Even now my heart is bursting with joy because of this revelation. Bursting with gratitude and thankfulness at His awesome goodness.

But why does it take my head and heart so long to realize this, when there is verse after verse that tells me this?  It was definitely an "Aha!" moment.  More like an "Ah God!" moment. I just love it!

Here are some verses to help me to remember:

*Matthew 6:8  ...for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.

*Matthew 7:7-11  Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or is he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!

*Matthew 18:19  Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by My Father in heaven.

*Matthew 21:22  If you believe (this seems to be the only prerequisite to my asking), you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

*Luke 11:13  If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!

*John 14:13-14  And I will do whatever you ask in My name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask Me for anything in My name, and I will do it.

*John 15:7  If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want, and it will be given you.

*John 15:16  You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.

*John 16:23-24,26  In that day you will no longer ask Me anything. Very truly I tell you, My Father will give you whatever you ask in My name.  Until now you have not asked for anything in My name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.... In that day you will ask in My name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf.  (Wow! If you can't find any others, these few verses sure have this asking thing covered)

*James 1:5-6  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

*James 4:2-3  You do not have because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

*1 John 5:14-15  This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him.

And here's one unrelated to asking, but I thought it was pretty appropriate for the jar thing:

*2 Corinthians 4:7  But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  (I think I found a treasure in my jar yesterday!)

Just 40 days!

Over the next few posts I will be writing about things I've journaled about in the past.  They are entries that I wrote after reading God's Word and what it revealed to me at that time.  Although I originally wrote them a few years ago, I think they still all apply to today. 

Just 40 Days!


 Let's start with Exodus.  It's where Moses went up to Mount Sinai and left the Israelites for 40 days and nights. 

Then Moses climbed the mountain. The Cloud covered the mountain. The Glory of God settled over Mount Sinai. The Cloud covered it for six days. On the seventh day he called out of the Cloud to Moses. In the view of the Israelites below, the Glory of God looked like a raging fire at the top of the mountain.  Moses entered the middle of the Cloud and climbed the mountain. Moses was on the mountain forty days and forty nights.   ~Exodus 24:15-18

While he was gone, the Israelites built a golden calf to worship, and started sinning against God.  It only took a short time for them to be led astray--just 40 days!  That is not a long time in the big picture. 

When the people realized that Moses was taking forever in coming down off the mountain, they rallied around Aaron and said, “Do something. Make gods for us who will lead us. That Moses, the man who got us out of Egypt—who knows what’s happened to him?”
So Aaron told them, “Take off the gold rings from the ears of your wives and sons and daughters and bring them to me.” They all did it; they removed the gold rings from their ears and brought them to Aaron. He took the gold from their hands and cast it in the form of a calf, shaping it with an engraving tool.  The people responded with enthusiasm: “These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you up from Egypt!” 
~Exodus 32:1-4

If it only took the Israelites 40 days when God was just a few short steps away from them at the top of the mountain, how much sooner will we be led astray when we can't even see Him with our natural eyes?!

When we aren't continually in His Word, it doesn't take very long before we start to sin and stop following and trusting Him.  The Israelites were depending on Moses, a mere human, to lead them.  Even though God was in their presence, showing Himself thru a cloud of smoke during the day and a pillar of fire at night, they still would not listen to Him. Nor would they trust Him. 

The moment Moses, the one they were really following, left their site, they became afraid and felt the need to look to other things to put their trust in. Things they could see. Things they could touch.  They began worshiping something they created. They sinned in every way against the One in whom they SHOULD HAVE BEEN following and trusting.

I am also guilty of this sin.  I have been trusting in things I've created for myself. Things I can see and touch.  I have been relying on others as my source....my job, my family, my friends, my income, etc....things I have or could have.  I have not been trusting the One and only Source of EVERYTHING I could ever possibly want or need.  HE is the Source of my DESIRE.  He IS my desire!

One thing I have desired of the Lord, That will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord All the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord, And to inquire in His temple. ~Psalm 27:4

He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them. ~Psalm 145:9

Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You. ~Psalm 73:25

When Moses came back down the mountain and saw the golden calf, he displayed an emotion that God was feeling at the same time--anger.  So in his anger, Moses ground the golden calf into dust and made them drink it in another of their sources....their water. 

God spoke to Moses, “Go! Get down there! Your people whom you brought up from the land of Egypt have fallen to pieces. In no time at all they’ve turned away from the way I commanded them: They made a molten calf and worshiped it....I look at this people—oh! what a stubborn, hard-headed people! Let me alone now, give my anger free reign to burst into flames and incinerate them. But I’ll make a great nation out of you.”   ~Exodus 32:7, 9-10

All that I have been "worshiping" can also be destroyed.  Although I am covered by the Blood of Jesus and so graciously forgiven, I could very easily be destroyed (and all that I have) if God so chooses to do so.  But in His mercy and grace, He chooses not to. What a amazing thing that is!

This is where I live every.single.day.....

My Prayer:

Father God, please forgive me for worshiping "things" and not You.  Please forgive me for not trusting You and please help me to trust You more.  JESUS is my Source. Show me just how BIG my Source is. Relieve me of my "things" and help me to come to You for my every need and desire. 

Just breathe.....

Just breathe.

.

Slower.

.

That's it.

.

Now push.

.

Harder.

.

Almost there.

.

One more.

.

Here it comes.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

It's a boy!

Then came the best sound in all the world at that moment: you cried.

And so did I. Tears of joy, relief, exhaustion, and pure love.

Pure, unadulterated, unqualified, complete, absolute, true LOVE!

You were so tiny. 4 lbs, 10 oz, 17” long. Too small to take you home...just yet. Leaving you....I cried some more. How could someone miss a person so much, after such a short time with them? Much too short.

At home life was changed forever. Never to be the same again.

Diapers. Bottles. Formula. Pureed food. Solid food. Wee little onesies. Feet jammies. Hugs. Kisses. Snot. Projectile vomit. Grins. Giggles. Sleepless nights. Lullabies. “Good mornin Mommy”. Birthdays. Toys. Toys. And more toys. Daycare tears (mine). New little friends (yours). Swimming lessons. Kindergarten. Soccer practice. Grade School. Tae Kwon Do. New bigger friends. Homeschool. Baseball games. Baseball cards. The Teen Years. Oh my!

Where did all the years go? Too quickly they flew. Much too quickly.

Learning to ride your bike on the 2^nd try. Or 3^rd.

Skateboarding before I was ready...but you were.

Walks to the park, and playing for hours. HOURS!

Being the “cool kid on the bus”. Before you were six.

Growing out of blue jeans much too quickly. And shoes. And shirts. And toys.

Lego creations strewn over the living room floor. Pieces right where I kneeled to play with you.

“I love you, Mommy”s with tiny arms wrapped around my neck. Kisses goodnight.

Stories told and books read before drifting off to sleep. Each and every night.

Worshiping in church with arms lifted above your head. Peace on your face. Tears on mine.

Playing baseball while my heart swelled with pride. Joy on your face.

All of it past, but still fresh in my mind and heart as tho it happened just yesterday. WASN’T it just yesterday????

Now as I look ahead at where your life might go, I only see promise and hope and joy and peace for you. And love.

There is so much goodness in you.

I watch in awe as your generous heart pours out for others.

Your infectious grin bring joy to other faces.

Your gentleness is shown when you help others.

Your tenderness reveals itself when you are a big brother to children that aren’t mine.

You have always been my biggest cheerleader. Believing in me when I couldn’t. Encouraging me when I needed it. Reminding me I’m beautiful when I don’t feel it. Showing God’s love for me when I doubt it from others. Liking me when I’m the least likable. Forgiving me. Always.

Josey, I could say so much more about your compassion, kindness, honesty, trustworthiness, integrity, honor, love, goodwill, concern for others, transparency, thoughtfulness, silliness, fun-loving attitude, and even your maleness.....but I will let you just show it in all that you do.

Happy 14^th birthday, my son! I love you more than words could ever say. And indeed, I like you too! You are the best! And I am honored to be your mom. Blessed beyond words.

Love Always & Forever—

Mom

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

random things about me

It seems that the only time I get to blog is late at night or early morning, and even then I have a hard time deciding what to blog without boring you all completely to death. There are so many things I *could* say, but won't, just because I don't want to lose you about a 1/3 of the way thru a post....that's just how uneventful my life is right now. And that is just the way I like it sometimes. OK, most times. After being a die-hard partier for more years than I like to admit, "uneventful" is right up my alley now-a-days.

I am often inspired by fellow bloggers by what they write about, and always think "hey, that's a good idea!" Until it comes time to write about it. The passion is lost somewhere between "good idea" and the time I put fingers to keyboard. So here I sit, in front of a blank blog screen for what seems like eternity. And you get to look at the same post I blogged about 3+ months ago....or so it seems.

But this time I am inspired by a fellow blogger to just give you a list of things you may or may not know about me. She called hers "100 Things" about her, but I don't know if that's how many things this will turn into. Thus it's just called "random things about me".  Plus I don't want to scare you away by thinking you just may be here for far faaaaarrr too long.  Fair enough?

OK, so you're still here. Good. So am I.

So here goes......

Just a *few* things about me that you may or may not have already known:

1) I love Jesus!

2) I am a single mom

3) With a great kid!

4) I actually really love being a single mom, but it's tough most days.

5) I don't get enough sleep (might be a result of blogging at the wee hours.....or not).

6) I get cranky when I don't get enough sleep.

7) I am a morning person

8) Most days.

9) I didn't used to be. I used to be a noon-or-later riser. Any time before that and you better not even talk to me.

10) That lasted until I became a mom.

11) Then I had no choice but to be a morning person, because my kid is.

12) I love having a teenage boy......who knew that would ever happen?

13) I'm older than many people think I am. Mostly because I look younger than my 30+ years.

14) No, I'm not really in my 30s ;)

15) I use smileys waaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy too much!

16) Yes, it can be annoying.

17) But I don't care.

18) I have very strong opinions and express them occasionally.

19) It gets me in trouble occasionally.

20) Usually whenever I express them.

21) I change my opinion often

22) Depending on how much I have learned about the subject since my last opinion about it was formed.

23) I used to party waaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much!

24) And I've paid the price for it.

25) God changed all that in 2005.

26) I thank Him for that.

27) But not often enough.

28) I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2005.

29) I used to let it define me

30) But not anymore.

31) I hate when people ask me about it. I just want to say "Please don't remind me that I'm not feeling good today."

32) Even tho most days I'm not feeling good.

33) Yes, I realize "good" is improper grammar.  But again I don't care.

34) OK, I care. But just a little.

35) I am not too fussy about improper grammar.

36) But I am about proper spelling (just ask my kid)

37) But just most of the time.

38) The times I'm not is when I'm sleeping.....hehe

39) It drives me crazy to have to write "b" and "r u" and other abbreviations for texting.

40) But I do it anyway. Mostly so I don't drive everyone else crazy with my lengthy texts.

41) Which reminds me, a few months ago both my kid and I went over our text limits by over 300 texts each.

42) Don't ask me how that happened. I'm still trying to wrap my own head around that one.

43) I'm consistently and potentially late for most things.

44) Sometimes even important things.

45) And if I'm not late, I'm there at the last possible minute.

46) And I hate that I am. Always late. Or last minute. A lot.

47) I blame social media.

48) Most of the time.

49) Sometimes I just blame it on being one of those days I'm not a morning person.

50) I hate taking showers.

51) And baths.

52) But I do because I want to keep my friends.

53) But I only do 2-3 times a week.

54) Mostly just twice.

55) But I'm not sorry about it....unless I know I stink....then I'm sorry

56) But only just a little.

57) Did I mention that I hate fibromyalgia?  I do.

58) A LOT

59) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

60) I'm also a softie when it comes to babies.

61) I wish I could have at least 3 more.

62) But only when they're cute and cuddly and not screaming or pooping or puking or any number of other things that are displeasing to the senses.

63) During those times I give them back to their moms.

64) Except these 2 little girls I know.....

65) I'd keep them even when they're not cute and cuddly, and when they are screaming or pooping or puking or any number of other things that are displeasing to the senses.

66) Yes, I love them that much!

67) Almost as much as my own kid.

68) I did say "almost"

69) I don't think I could love someone else that much.

70) Except Jesus.

71) When I was younger I used to race snowmobiles

72) And jump my little red truck.

73) Not with a snowmobile. Just my truck. Over creek beds.

74) OK, so it was only one time. That I jumped my little red truck.

75) But I raced snowmobiles several times.

76) And won.

77) But that was when I was younger.

78) MUCH younger!

79) OK, not THAT much!

80) I don't care for talking on the phone

81) So I'm bad at returning phone calls.

82) I'd rather text. (probably the reason I went over my text limit)

83) I'm secretly a Texas Ranger and Florida Gators fan. (OK, so maybe it's not so much a secret anymore)

84) My goal 20 yrs ago was to own a business in 5 yrs

85) After 19 years that goal was fulfilled.

86) I never in a million years would have believed it would be the type of business it is.

87) And God must just be sitting up there chuckling about it all.

88) That's good. I like making God chuckle.

89) I secretly think He chuckles at me quite often. Or at how my life has taken a totally different route than I would have ever planned it to take.

90) Like how I wanted to be the "cool mom" on the block.

91) I'm secretly more like the "dorky mom" on the block.  OK, that's probably not such a secret either, nor has it ever been.

92) Again, I don't care.

93) I used to care what other people thought about me. All.the.time.

94) Now....not.so.much.

95) It gets me in trouble sometimes.  See #18

96) I know you looked back to #18...hehe.

97) I waste too much time.....doing nothing but sitting and thinking.

98) I used to wet the bed.....until I was 10. Then it was suddenly done. Thank You, God!

99) I still have nightmares about it.

100) I still have recurrent nightmares about a lot of things that happened in my past.

101) Mostly things I wish I could take back.

102) But God in His grace has used them for the good.

103) Except for wetting the bed, I've figured out most of the answers to "why did that happen?"

104) I have too many secrets that need to come out.

105) This is NOT the place for them.

106) I hate secrets......they're usually dirty and dark......the enemy's favorite fodder.

107) But I DO keep secrets that others confide in me.

108) I try d.e.s.p.e.r.a.t.e.l.y. to be a person of integrity.....but sometimes I fail....miserably.

109) I don't talk to most of my family.

110) And that saddens me.

111) I pray for my family almost daily.....I DO love them after all.

112) Most days I don't feel loved.

113) That saddens me too.

114) I know deeeeeeeep in my heart that it's a lie.....but most days I still believe it in my head.

115) My favorite all-time book is "I Like Myself" by Karen Beaumont

116) My son is a dork.....but so am I.....

117) If you make me laugh, I just may call you a dork. Please don't take offense at it. It's one of my quirky terms of endearment.....really it is....takes one to know one, right?!?

118) I don't know if I pray often enough. Does talking to God in my heart all day count?

119) This is NOT the life I planned for myself.

120) But it's where God wants me for now.

121) I want to move to Florida.....or Texas.....or Hawaii

122) BADLY!!!!!

123) I also want to become a missionary in Haiti.

124) But I can't afford either.

125) And that makes me really sad.

127) I don't have many friends.

128) This makes me sad too.

129) And lonely.

130) My dream job is professional photographer

131) Or really good amateur

132) But I can't afford the equipment it requires.

133) I've been praying for it daily for as long as I can remember praying

134) Some days I find myself repeating "just keep swimming...just keep swimming..."

135) I enjoy swimming, but I hate wearing swimsuits

136) I delayed getting baptized because of fear of standing in front of a crowd

137) The next year I didn't let it stop me

138) I shake in my shoes when I have to stand in front of a crowd

139) But I've learned to just do it....afraid

140) I'm afraid of letting people get to know me....the real me

141) Because of my past

142) But no more.....

143) This list is helping with that

144) I'm secretly pretty funny....at least my kid says I am

145) At least he laughs at my ridiculous jokes and stories

146) I enjoy most people......did I say "most"?  Eek!

147) There are just some people I can't be around....but that's probably wise

148) I'm a list person.....

149) And for that I AM sorry

150) And.....Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so

151) And if you know nothing else about me, #1 & 150 are ALL you need to know!

Who knew?

So, who knew?  I know I certainly didn't.

My cool kid after our fun picnic today

You may ask, "What in the world are you talking about? Who knew what?"  

Who knew that I'd have so much fun being the mom of a teenager?  I mean seriously, I didn't have the best experience being a teenager myself, so to actually enjoy having one of my own has taken me by surprise.  I thought that maybe it had something to do with the hormonal surges of teen girls in their over-the-top drama and emotional roller coaster rides. But my son has some teenage friends who are boys (gotta watch how I word that....), and they don't seem to have the same type of relationship with their moms as my teenage boy has with his. And there is much drama involved. So it can't just be a girl thing that I experienced. 

Can I say "it's a parening thing" without sounding like I'm aware of doing something right that other parents haven't? Because I don't know that I have. Done something right, that is. I feel, every day, that I'm totally messing up. Royally. And utterly. 

All I can say is that it's gotta be a God thing. Because I don't have the first clue how to raise a teenager, let alone a regular child. I don't ever recall receiving a handbook called "How Not to Mess Up Your Kid and Turn Him Into a Monster Teen" when that little person pushed his way out of my body. In fact, I may have actually handed over the handbook called "How Your Life Changes in Ways You Never Imagined When You Have Kids" because nothing could have prepared me for the twists and turns my life has taken once that little person plunged into this world. And right into my heart. 

And altho he's not so little anymore, he's kept his place in my heart for 13 1/2 fun and chaotic years. 

Just when I think I've gotten it all figured out, I'm derailed and caught completely off-guard with yet one more challenge.  I mean really, how do you handle the fact that your now teen son wants to spend almost every waking moment hanging out with his friends? After spending the first 12 1/2 years hanging with his mom? Wow! That was something I knew would eventually happen, but so soon?  After all, he's still just a baby, right?  OK, I know....he's not a baby in the world's eyes, but he is in mine. I can still perfectly recall the day he was born, for goodness sakes!  What happened to the last 13 1/2 years?  Where did they go? And why do they go so fast?  If his life was a racecar, these last 13 1/2 years would have broken all land speed records. Gosh, they would have broken the sound barrier, for crying out loud!  (ok, I'm going back and perusing this to make all the necessary edits, and I've realized a good old "no pun intended" is required here)

But to have fun while on that ride is an understatement.  

So here's the story behind the reason for posting:

Yesterday while I was home enjoying my day off, my kid was hanging out with his friends at the baseball field near our home. Whenever he's out and about, we always keep in touch by text, and yesterday was no exception.  Our normal texts range from "I'm home" to "You're such a dork" and everything in between. So to get an unusually silly one from him isn't, well, all that unusual. I don't even remember what we were texting back and forth yesterday while he was with his friends, but he decided he needed to call me. Now to get a phone call from him is more unusual than getting a silly text, so I knew I better answer. And to be honest, I don't even remember what he asked me, but I do know that he called to ask me something and thought it important enough to call. As I was just about to tell him "I love you" (yes, believe it or not, he actually does still tell me that....every.single.day.....many times) he had hung up....WITHOUT saying it himself. So I texted him and told him he didn't say "I love you" and that the next time he has to say it really loud so everyone can hear him. He basically blew me off....at least for a little while. But then he texted to tell me to go out onto our deck. So I did. And I heard "I LOVE YOU!!!!!" in what sounded like my son's voice, traveling far across the 1 1/2 blocks from the park to our deck. I busted out laughing. Not because it surprised me, but because it didn't!  It is just something he would do, and obviously did. 

Now, to say that this made my day would be an understatement. The fact is that it probably will have made my entire week by the time this week is done. 

Another story behind my reason for posting is a post from a fellow blogger (Sarah Mae) about failing as a mom. She talked about how it's so easy to become distracted and neglect our kids while our faces are turned away from them, peering instead into a book, a computer, the tv, or any other number of things that steal our time away from our precious children and the priceless time we need to be spending with them.  This really struck a cord with me because I had been thinking about this very thing over the last several days. I had wanted to cut out some of my time-wasters, and spend that time instead peering into the face of my child. OK, so he's not so much a child anymore....but you know what I mean.   

I want to cut out computer time mostly. At least when he's around. If he's gone (or sleeping, as he is now), then I do what needs to get done, then get gone....off the computer.  I don't want to look back after he's left home and say "I sure wish I would have turned off that computer more often."  So I made the announcement on that good old fashioned blog thief (refer to a previous blog post), that I wanted all my mom friends to hold me accountable.....if they discover that I'm online for more than 30 minutes a day, to give me a "nudge" to shut 'er down. To pay attention to my kid. To go be a mom!  Shortly after posting, I received a comment from a friend that said "If I were you, I would drop us like a bad suit and INHALE this time with your son!"  AMEN!  It was all the confirmation (and perhaps, permission) I needed to do just that. 

So that is what I did today. My kid came home for lunch (from the previously mentioned ball field), and for the next hour I stayed away from anything with a screen, and INHALED the time with my son.  I went online to find a nice picnic area near us, and found the perfect spot. So we headed over to get some crispy fried chicken from SunMart (because I had just heard on the radio that you can't have a picnic without crispy fried chicken), along with some am-A-zing potato salad, potato chips (that was my kid's choice, not mine...I figured we had enough potatoes in the salad), a couple of cans of softdrinks, and headed out to our new, favorite, *secret* picnic spot. And it was good. 

Very good. 

I love having a teenager!

Does it get any better than this?  :)

 

My Truth About Father's Day

 
I'm having mixed feelings about this Father's Day thing. Being a single mom, and having grown up without my dad, it's not a subject that I know how to address with Josey.  I mean, I get Mother's Day.  I can still celebrate that day as a single mom.  But Father's Day? How does that look?

We actually just brought this up last night at about 11 pm.  We were on our way home from spending the evening with friends, and while there it was mentioned that it is Father's Day this Sunday.  While still in our vehicle, Josey says, "To me it's just another day."  Wow! Where do you go with that?  All I could say was, "I know how you feel."  But do I? We have talked about many things, but I don't know that we've actually had a full-out discussion about what Father's Day means to both of us.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad.  It's just that I didn't even meet him until I was well into my 20s. So by then, the whole Father's Day thing was a non-issue, a day that I just didn't celebrate...EVER.  Sure, I had my share of step-dads....but I can't say that either of them were a real father to me.  Sure, they were authority figures....kind of.....but the love wasn't there. I had called my first step-dad "Dad" up until I found out he wasn't my real dad. I was four. Then I didn't know WHAT to call him.  "Dad" just didn't seem to apply to him. I always felt like an inconvenience to him....certainly not like a daughter should.  Even when I thought he WAS my dad.  Then my 2nd step-dad....are you KIDDING me????  I had tried out the "Dad" name once, maybe twice, but it didn't fit him either. So he was always called by his first name by my brother and me. I think I was more afraid of him than anything. I obeyed him out of fear of what he'd do as punishment, rather than respect. I don't think I had respect for either one of them.  I'm just amazed that I have respect for any male figure in my life, just because of the lack of earned respect for my step-dads. What I wanted growing up was to know my dad. To be the apple of his eye. To hear him tell me "It'll be OK" whenever I was afraid. To laugh with me. To hold me. To tell me that I'm lovely. To carry me on his shoulders and be strong for me.

 

photo from babyloveletters.com

Then suddenly, there was my real dad. My birth father. Suddenly, he was "Dad".  When I called him "Dad" it just fit. Perfectly.  Then just as suddenly that he came into my life, he was out of it. Because of difficult family circumstances, he was gone. I've talked to him on the phone twice and seen him once in the past 9+ years. The hug he gave me when I saw him in January of this year was something I have longed for, needed, desperately, for oh, so very long.  Then, again he was gone. I love him and miss him desperately, and want him in my life. It's just that I don't know what that would look like, or how to even make that happen.  He lives in another country, 8-10 hours away, so it's not like I can just stop in and say "Hi...I'm here!" any old time I want.  Altho I know if I could, I would. And he'd probably welcome me. But it's just getting there, both physically and emotionally, that is the difficult, and painful, part. I'm just so afraid that he'd turn me away. Tell me things that I don't want to hear. Not tell me things that I want and need to hear.  Like about my brother. I so very much want to know about him. VERY much!  But that's a whole 'nuther matter altogether....a subject for another day.  Today I'm talking about dads.

OK, then there's Josey's dad.  Josey has not heard from him in over a year. And truthfully, he doesn't want to. Even tho I know he'll never say it, I can see it on his face every time his phone rings that's he's terrified that it will be his dad asking to see him.  TERRIFIED!  He just asked me yesterday too, "What should I do if my dad shows up sometime?"  And we had our discussion about that, to keep him safe. To make him feel safe, to ensure him I would keep him safe.  His dad just has not had the best track record with making him feel safe. Josey has always called him "Dad", but he said that he felt more like a buddy than a father. And I know Josey desperately wants a father figure in his life.  He needs a father figure in his life.  It's just that right now, it's not his dad. Maybe one day when he feels safe again, feels secure in knowing he CAN feel safe around his dad, he will want to see him again. It's just not now.

Until then, I make sure he feels safe. I will be the best mom to him that I can be. And I will do my best to be there for him when he needs me. To cheer him on. To tell him he's got what it takes. To tell him he's the best kid this side of heaven. To be strong for him. To tell him it will be OK when he's afraid. To hug him, and get hugs from him. To celebrate Mother's Day with him, and Father's Day too if that's what he wants.

And for both of us, for now, and for always, God is our Father (Matthew 6:9). HE will pick us up when we fall (Psalm 37:24).  HE will tell us it will be OK when we're afraid (Psalm 27:1). HE will tell us we are lovely and have what it takes (Psalm 17:8).  HE will be the one to tell us He loves us (Jeremiah 31:3).    HE will never EVER leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). HE will be the One to guide us, to hold us (Psalm 139:10).  HE will be strong for both of us (Psalm 118:14).

And Dad, if you're reading this....Happy Father's Day! I love you!

Giveaway at The Little Things

Head on over to The Little Things blog for a chance to win this adorable little bonnet!  Follow the link....

The Little Things

Have fun and good "luck"  ;)

Worthy

This is a "poem" I found while searching thru the many wonderful things at The Market a few weeks ago. I don't know who the author is, or I would give her credit for writing it. All I know is that it caught my eye (and heart) and has become my "motto" of sorts for this season of my life. So much so that I decided to paint it on canvas. It was and is part of my healing that God is doing on my heart.

As some of you may know (or not know, whatever the case may be), I am doing a small group Bible study with a group of lovely, beautiful...and worthy....ladies. It is based on the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. If you have not read this book, and your heart is in need of some good, old-fashioned healing, this is a MUST READ!  Aside from the Bible, it has been the most life-changing book I've ever read!  God has been doing a supernatural work in my heart over the last several (10) weeks, and I am going to be a bit saddened when this small group is over (this Wednesday). I have gotten to know some very beautiful women, some pretty broken women, thru this group, and I hope to continue the relationship I have formed with them thru it. We have talked about some pretty intense and shocking things, but have also witnessed some pretty intense and shocking healings by doing so. We've had plenty of opportunities to laugh with joy, to cry many tears, and to eat some pretty amazing food. Not to mention watch an even more amazing God heal not-just-a-few broken hearts.

For me to even write about this is just a small witness to what God has done in my life. I would never have, in my entire walled-up life, revealed anything so personal in such a public way. All my life I have kept my heartbreak and self-inflicted wounds to myself, or at the very most only revealed them to a very few carefully chosen, trustworthy friends. Or at least, who I hoped were trustworthy. Sadly, over the years I've come to realize that in my desperation to befriend someone....anyone....I have not always made the wisest choices in selecting who to reveal my heart to.

Just a sampling of what God has done thru this small group is give me a love for my mom that I have not ever experienced. Yes, I know what you're saying or thinking...."didn't you love your mom before this?"  In a word, no.  At least not in the way a daughter is "supposed" to love her mom. I think I tolerated her more than anything. There was a period of my life that I wouldn't even refer to her as mom, but would call her "mother" instead. As tho she were just the woman who gave me birth. Then eventually my tolerance turned to pity. I could tolerate her because I felt sorry for her. Maybe it was all part of the process of healing, but it was still difficult to actually love her.

And now, by the grace of God, I can actually say that I LOVE her!  I actually miss her. Yes, she's alive, but she lives several hours away so I don't get to see her but twice, maybe three times a year. We do talk on the phone occasionally. But since she has learned how to text, we do that almost daily. And almost daily she tells me she loves me. Which, by the way, used to irritate the heck out of me!  But now when those texts come, I cherish them. If I am able, I will text her back that I love her too.  It used to be that it was difficult for me to even to do that, as if I would question myself "Do I mean it today? Or is today one of those days I don't feel like loving her back?"  Oh, what a LIE from the pit of hell!  Now when those texts come, and when I reply with my "ILU2"...I totally, 100% mean it. THAT in itself is a miracle that could only come from a God loving me.

Another thing that God has been doing a work in my heart with is how I love other people....mainly, women. I have always had a compassion for people who are hurting. But if it wasn't evident in their lives, I often would resent them for having what appeared to be a "perfect" life. They had a husband who loved them. They had healthy children. They had abundance when it came to finances. They were healthy. BUT if they ever complained about anything that was less than what I deemed "perfection" or told me about how God has blessed them, I resented hearing about it. I would think in with my hardened heart, "C'mon, really? Your husband irritated you today? At least you HAVE a husband. I would do anything to have someone to spend the rest of my life with and to help around the house....even to irritate me."  Or "Please don't tell me how much you spent on that. When I barely have enough to buy milk and bread, and all we've had for supper for the past week has been generic cheerios or Ramen, I really really don't want to hear about your brand new vehicle that you paid cash for. And let's not even get into what bills have yet again gone unpaid."  I won't even begin to tell you about the litany of lies that bombarded me when discussing their health. YES, those thoughts did cross my mind while you told me about your life. YES, I did resent you and your blessings.  So much so that I couldn't handle being around you. I distanced myself from you. And "you" could be any number of my friends reading this. And for that I want to deeply and sincerely apologize. In my self-absorbed world, I considered your excitement in telling me what God was doing in your life as a way to make me jealous. To rub it in my face. I couldn't, or wouldn't, be happy for you. I realized it was another LIE from the father of lies. And I HATED that...that I resented you...that I pushed you away....that I would even think that stuff about you.  Please forgive me!  I truly enjoy hearing about you and your life, and I love what God is doing in it! If it weren't for you, my heart would never be full. I love laughing and crying with you. I love talking with you and learning about you. I love that you trust me to tell me these things. And I love YOU.

I have so many things to be sorry about, to regret, to dislike about myself. BUT God is so much bigger than all that pettiness. He deems me worthy. He has sent Jesus to the Cross to cleanse me of all unrighteousness, and that includes all my regrets, my sorrows, and all my heartbreak. He went to the Cross not just to heal me physically, but spiritually, mentally, and emotionally as well. I know there are so many other areas where I need His healing touch, but in His mercy He is doing a little at a time. I think I would be so overwhelmed if He did it all at once. Ugh...can you IMAGINE????  But I'm a work-in-progress, and I'm growing and being renewed day by day. And thankfully, His mercies are new every morning....GREAT is His faithfulness.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  ~2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Pirate!

OK, so my son just said to me while deciding which Pirates of the Caribbean movie to watch, "You must like that series."  Yes, my son, I do. I don't necessarily like all the goulies and such that are in them, but I love that era and all that goes along with it....pirating, swashbuckling, rescuing damsels in distress...Oh wait! That's knights in shining armor isn't it? But I enjoy a good "Knight's Tale" (another of my fav movies), as well.

Maybe it's because I like how these adventuresome men, although tough and rough on the outside, with all their carefree attitudes and ne'er do well lifestyles, they really are good at heart. They DO rescue their "damsels in distress" when those said damsels are in want of rescuing.

Maybe because I sometimes feel like a damsel in distress....OK OK, so it's most times that I feel that way.

But as I sat down here at the computer trying to think of something to blog about, I'm sitting here NOT watching the movie, but just listening. I am able to actually LISTEN to what is happening instead of just seeing with my eyes and becoming distracted by Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom in all their swashbuckling glory. It came to my attention one particular scene that reminded me of something that seems to surprise so many people, including myself. It's the part where Will Turner and Captain Jack are fighting for the first time in the blacksmith's shop.  Jack has taken some ashes and blows them all over Will and kicks Will's sword away as he grabs his own gun. Will looks at Jack with a bewildered look on his face and says, "You cheated."  To which Jack replies, "Pirate!" 

Like "duh....what'd you expect from the likes of me?" 

photo from www.imdb.com

As I was able to listen, not only with my ears but also with my mind and my heart, I knew what I was to write about.

So many times we are surprised and often bewildered at the troubles that come our way. But really, if you think about it, SHOULD we really be all that surprised?  After all, Jesus tells us that "the devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy...."  We forget all about this when something terrible happens, and it's like we're telling the devil, "You cheated."  And the devil is saying "Pirate!"  Like "duh....what'd you expect from the likes of me?"

**Let it also be noted that pirates sing a song that goes something like this: "We're devils, we're black sheep. We're really bad eggs."

And now is the scene where Elizabeth is captured by those two ruffian, clumsy, oh-so-likable pirates. As she is about to be pulled out of the closet, she immediately tells them "Parlay!"  And isn't this what we, as believers in Christ, are supposed to tell the enemy of our souls? "Parlay!"  Let's take this to the King and let Him decide what to do with us. After all, it's His jurisdiction we are under. HIS Blood!  You dirty, rotten scoundrel have no right to place your hands on me....I belong to the King of kings! 

I never would have thought that God would speak to me thru a movie, let alone a movie about dirty, filthy pirates. But it's amazing what we will hear if we open our ears, our hearts, and close our eyes to the distractions that are swirling around us....and distractions they are.

We long for adventure. We long for a Rescuer. But there is only One who can fill that role in our lives. No pirate or swashbuckler, no matter how heroic and handsome he is, has shoes or a HAT big enough to be the Rescuer of our souls. Of our hearts.

So the next time the enemy throws troubles and trials your way, and you are surprised that this is happening to YOU....instead of saying "You cheated," you can say with boldness "Parlay!" And because the enemy is also under the jurisdiction of the King, he is obliged, nay DUTY-BOUND to take you to Him. And the King of kings will grant you the pardon you request. He will unbind your chains, ease your burdens, and make you as white as snow. 

photo from stephtmomof3.blogspot.com

Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;

 though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.  Isaiah 1:18

The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
   heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
   pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—
   a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies—
   and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
   give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
   a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness"
   planted by God to display his glory.
They'll rebuild the old ruins,
   raise a new city out of the wreckage.
They'll start over on the ruined cities,
   take the rubble left behind and make it new.
You'll hire outsiders to herd your flocks
   and foreigners to work your fields,
But you'll have the title "Priests of God,"
   honored as ministers of our God.
You'll feast on the bounty of nations,
   you'll bask in their glory.
Because you got a double dose of trouble
   and more than your share of contempt,
Your inheritance in the land will be doubled
   and your joy go on forever. 

Isaiah 61:1-3 MSG